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Tuesday, January 11, 2011
beyond excited
so bloggers im glad 2 say that everything is a OK' with me. I realized I had a total melt down. I was just so embarrassed of what happend on new years, I wanted to die! But its ok now I faced my fears and im officially over it now. In other news Ive had time to think things through and this year is my year. Im gonna make sure I do all the things Ive been wanting to do with my life. One of my main things is sky dive! Its something ive always wanted to do and said that i was gonna do on my 18th bday but it never happend. Now I feel ready to take this world by STORM! Other things im excited about is a vegas trip we are planning in april. This year we are going all out. We are getting the biggest suite or atleast a bad ass one with fully stock bar ! Oh ya cant forget the Bar ! Lol also im excited because I feel like this year is definately gonna be the beginning of my career. Im planning on finishing my school in maybe the longest time i give myself 5months after that Im pursuing my career . I feel like its the beginning of a new chapter in my life. Im leaving all the childish things behind and moving up. After all im 21 now I think im at a perfect age even though I should have started this new chapter a few yrs ago. I dont know what it is about 21 but I feel change in me. Lol well goodnight till next time
Sunday, January 2, 2011
lost in thought...
I did alot of thinking today I layed in bed I cried I looked around I did absolutely nothing but thinking. He hugged me and tried to cheer me up with his sweet words. I know he seen me hurting but he didnt understand it. I told him how I felt and he held me tight. Im glad I have him, Im not alone he is here for me. I need to let go of all the negative thoughts like "is he cheating on me", " does he think of other women?" Etc. This is all ive known my life , having a father that constanly broke his vows to his wife. Hes been promiscous ever since I can remember. My mother accepts him the way he is and has been able to forgive him, bless her heart that woman is strong. I dont think I can ever be like that, I admire her for the strong woman she is. Thoughts of unfaithfullness haunt me and I fear its keeping me from living a happy life with my partner. He has not done anything to deserve this. He is very good to me. I can see how this subject frustrates him. Bby I see the good man in you , I let foolish childish thoughts get the best out of me. I apologize for this but I am working on it.
Earlier today on one of my bathroom trips ( i layed in bed all day and only got up 2 go to the bathroom ) I went in the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked crazy my hair was all over the place still had the night b4s make up well somewhat it looked like I had a black eye from the smodged make up. I thought wow I look horrible ! I walked baack into my room and layed down again. He was laying next 2 me. I put my arms around him and asked him "do u ever look at me and say shes ugly ? " "youve seen me at my best and at my worst , and wen im at my worst what goes through your mind" I know I shouldnt be asking things like this THE TRUTH HURTS and if he answered that honestly I bet I would not like the answer. But I want him 2 be honest but I dont want to hear him say yes I think ur ugly . Im already insecure I dont think its healthy to know if he does think that. So why would I ask such thing.
Im so naive I have alot to learn and alot of growing up to do. This is all part of my growing up process. Im hoping with bloggin I can get the big picture of it all.
Yr 2011 im gonna blog the whole year and see what comes of it where im at ..at the end of the year and how much ive changed and grown.
Earlier today on one of my bathroom trips ( i layed in bed all day and only got up 2 go to the bathroom ) I went in the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked crazy my hair was all over the place still had the night b4s make up well somewhat it looked like I had a black eye from the smodged make up. I thought wow I look horrible ! I walked baack into my room and layed down again. He was laying next 2 me. I put my arms around him and asked him "do u ever look at me and say shes ugly ? " "youve seen me at my best and at my worst , and wen im at my worst what goes through your mind" I know I shouldnt be asking things like this THE TRUTH HURTS and if he answered that honestly I bet I would not like the answer. But I want him 2 be honest but I dont want to hear him say yes I think ur ugly . Im already insecure I dont think its healthy to know if he does think that. So why would I ask such thing.
Im so naive I have alot to learn and alot of growing up to do. This is all part of my growing up process. Im hoping with bloggin I can get the big picture of it all.
Yr 2011 im gonna blog the whole year and see what comes of it where im at ..at the end of the year and how much ive changed and grown.
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new years resolutions..
1. BECOME A BETTER PERSON
2.STOP JUDGING EVERYONE INCLUDING YOURSELF
3.SEE THE GOOD IN EVERYONE
4.BE GRATEFUL FOR EVERYTHING EVEN THE BAD THINGS
5.GET ON A DIET WITH HUBBY AND STICK TO IT FOR HIS OWN GOOD BUT DO NOT BRING HIM DOWN ABOUT HIS WEIGHT
6.EXERCISE FOR HEALTH
7.KEEP LOVING FASHION,MAKE UP ETC. BUT STOP BEING SO FAKE SEE BEAUTY IN NATURAL
8.STOP DRINKING
9.NO MORE PROCASTINATING
10.BECOME SOMEONE IMPORTANT THIS YR.
SOO MUCH I WANT TO CHANGE ... ILL KEEP LISTING THINGS I WANT TO CHANGE THROUGH OUT THE YEAR SO I CAN HAVE A LIST OR REMINDER THROUGH OUT THE YEAR!
2.STOP JUDGING EVERYONE INCLUDING YOURSELF
3.SEE THE GOOD IN EVERYONE
4.BE GRATEFUL FOR EVERYTHING EVEN THE BAD THINGS
5.GET ON A DIET WITH HUBBY AND STICK TO IT FOR HIS OWN GOOD BUT DO NOT BRING HIM DOWN ABOUT HIS WEIGHT
6.EXERCISE FOR HEALTH
7.KEEP LOVING FASHION,MAKE UP ETC. BUT STOP BEING SO FAKE SEE BEAUTY IN NATURAL
8.STOP DRINKING
9.NO MORE PROCASTINATING
10.BECOME SOMEONE IMPORTANT THIS YR.
SOO MUCH I WANT TO CHANGE ... ILL KEEP LISTING THINGS I WANT TO CHANGE THROUGH OUT THE YEAR SO I CAN HAVE A LIST OR REMINDER THROUGH OUT THE YEAR!
EMBARRASSED...
why do i feel this way ? why did i do what i did ? why do i see it as if its the end of the world?
i just want to stop feeling like this i feel so ashamed and empty like a piece a shit how come i am
how i am? im literally da biggest DOUCHE ! i wish i had magic powers and i could erase pieces of my life
either just from my mind or literally just erase them as if they never existed what is the point of negative things
like that happeninng to someone like is everything really ment to happen for a reason like was their a point
to all that happening 2 me? ah i hate it i act like someone did it 2 me and i did it 2 myself
i am my biggest enemy im the reason i am how i am im my worst critic im the one who puts myself down
like why do i do that ? i must really hate myself or just be fucked up in the head i dont like this about myself
things need to change! i want to become a better person because if i cant accept myself than no one can accept me either
you have to love yourself in order to love someone im such an ugly ugly person inside and out i dont believe in myself
and i dont think i have what it takes i dont know how i started thinking this way and why ? why? man
here i go again judging myself and putting myself down maybe i need 2 talk to an expert man am i really that fucked up?
everyone around me is so happy and why arent i? something has got to change and that something is me!
i wish someone was here to understand me and guide me but im to embarrased to open up why? why am i such a shy bitch?
ugh i hate everything about myself i need to become a better person and stop judging everyone specially myself
what an ugly person i have become and no one sees it until i get drunk no one sees how truly ugly i am until ive hit
that point and im embarrased to show my face to everyone i just want to hide in a lil ball or in my room
and never come out again i cant even start a new life i wish we had like 3lives or something once we dont like how
things are just switch lives because this one sucks balls! its 3am and im so lonely ive been lonely all day
i cant hold back anyone from living their lives just because i dont want to live it its not their fault im so stupid
god D' get a hold of yourself you know what u did is wrong and ur beating urself up over it i need to get over it
stop being so sensitive face it like a woman not a lil girl ur just running away from your problems im so embarrased though
it possibly is the most embarrasing thing ive done its really a breaking point for me i want to give up those negative
things i want to give them all up ! i need 2 find some peace and i need to be happy with myself live life to my fullest
happy in his arms because he truly does make you happy theirs no lying in that !
i just want to stop feeling like this i feel so ashamed and empty like a piece a shit how come i am
how i am? im literally da biggest DOUCHE ! i wish i had magic powers and i could erase pieces of my life
either just from my mind or literally just erase them as if they never existed what is the point of negative things
like that happeninng to someone like is everything really ment to happen for a reason like was their a point
to all that happening 2 me? ah i hate it i act like someone did it 2 me and i did it 2 myself
i am my biggest enemy im the reason i am how i am im my worst critic im the one who puts myself down
like why do i do that ? i must really hate myself or just be fucked up in the head i dont like this about myself
things need to change! i want to become a better person because if i cant accept myself than no one can accept me either
you have to love yourself in order to love someone im such an ugly ugly person inside and out i dont believe in myself
and i dont think i have what it takes i dont know how i started thinking this way and why ? why? man
here i go again judging myself and putting myself down maybe i need 2 talk to an expert man am i really that fucked up?
everyone around me is so happy and why arent i? something has got to change and that something is me!
i wish someone was here to understand me and guide me but im to embarrased to open up why? why am i such a shy bitch?
ugh i hate everything about myself i need to become a better person and stop judging everyone specially myself
what an ugly person i have become and no one sees it until i get drunk no one sees how truly ugly i am until ive hit
that point and im embarrased to show my face to everyone i just want to hide in a lil ball or in my room
and never come out again i cant even start a new life i wish we had like 3lives or something once we dont like how
things are just switch lives because this one sucks balls! its 3am and im so lonely ive been lonely all day
i cant hold back anyone from living their lives just because i dont want to live it its not their fault im so stupid
god D' get a hold of yourself you know what u did is wrong and ur beating urself up over it i need to get over it
stop being so sensitive face it like a woman not a lil girl ur just running away from your problems im so embarrased though
it possibly is the most embarrasing thing ive done its really a breaking point for me i want to give up those negative
things i want to give them all up ! i need 2 find some peace and i need to be happy with myself live life to my fullest
happy in his arms because he truly does make you happy theirs no lying in that !
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