lost in thought...

I did alot of thinking today I layed in bed I cried I looked around I did absolutely nothing but thinking. He hugged me and tried to cheer me up with his sweet words. I know he seen me hurting but he didnt understand it. I told him how I felt and he held me tight. Im glad I have him, Im not alone he is here for me. I need to let go of all the negative thoughts like "is he cheating on me", " does he think of other women?" Etc. This is all ive known my life , having a father that constanly broke his vows to his wife. Hes been promiscous ever since I can remember. My mother accepts him the way he is and has been able to forgive him, bless her heart that woman is strong. I dont think I can ever be like that, I admire her for the strong woman she is. Thoughts of unfaithfullness haunt me and I fear its keeping me from living a happy life with my partner. He has not done anything to deserve this. He is very good to me. I can see how this subject frustrates him. Bby I see the good man in you , I let foolish childish thoughts get the best out of me. I apologize for this but I am working on it.

Earlier today on one of my bathroom trips ( i layed in bed all day and only got up 2 go to the bathroom ) I went in the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked crazy my hair was all over the place still had the night b4s make up well somewhat it looked like I had a black eye from the smodged make up. I thought wow I look horrible ! I walked baack into my room and layed down again. He was laying next 2 me. I put my arms around him and asked him "do u ever look at me and say shes ugly ? " "youve seen me at my best and at my worst , and wen im at my worst what goes through your mind" I know I shouldnt be asking things like this THE TRUTH HURTS and if he answered that honestly I bet I would not like the answer. But I want him 2 be honest but I dont want to hear him say yes I think ur ugly . Im already insecure I dont think its healthy to know if he does think that. So why would I ask such thing.


Im so naive I have alot to learn and alot of growing up to do. This is all part of my growing up process. Im hoping with bloggin I can get the big picture of it all.

Yr 2011 im gonna blog the whole year and see what comes of it where im at ..at the end of the year and how much ive changed and grown.

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